Suffering as the Know-It-All: Getting into the habit of turning rigid dialogue into creative opportunity.
Many of us are passionate, driven and highly intelligent. Often these qualities come with a fatal flaw: becoming set in our views, our systems, our ways of doing. Yes, becoming a control freak.
Ever so gradually as we gain knowledge and self-confidence, we move into a control mindset and away from a learning mindset.
It’s the part of us that decides how things should go, because we know “better,” because we can see it so clearly, because we’ve been there before. We have a decent breadth of experience under our belts that informs the way we visualize solutions to situations.
Before walking into a room or conversation, we’ve already decided how things should happen, the flow, the process, the outcome.
And in that moment we’ve stopped learning. We’ve closed ourselves off to new information and planted our feet firmly in the cement of the past. And our brains grow old.
In that moment we become the old guard, the establishment, the “no” person on the path toward better company culture and creative progress. In love, we stagnate our relationships.
We all have known frustration and arrogant discomfort in watching a partner present alternative solutions or ideas – ones that may conflict with what we “know to be true.”
Yet truth often exists beyond the immediate reality of our own experience – and hopefully the experience of people around you is diverse.
Those moments beg us to shift from the mentality of control (I have the solution) to the learning mindset (how can I evolve my thinking in this moment). We can easily alleviate inner stress by approaching deeply familiar situations with childlike wonder rather than the hardened resolve of a veteran.
In moments of frustration that stem from needing control, you are operating from the assumption that nobody has anything to teach you. And you can only imagine how that comes off to the people around you. This posture says to others, “You have no insight to give and no experience from which to speak.” At best it is dismissive. At worst it is abusive and enraging to the recipient, resulting in a relationship based on rigidity and isolation rather than inspiration and openness.
Instead, try engaging more. Stop focusing on the “right” way. Ask more questions and make fewer comments. When you feel compelled to interject or protest, harness curiosity instead. Statements leave no room for conversation. Questions open a dialogue to information and insight you hadn’t considered. Listen carefully. Be a seeker and you will find yourself free from the chains of a brain demanding control and creating friction with the world.
Reworking control into curiosity means getting out of your own way and choosing a life of peace over struggle and suffering. And who knows… you may learn something new.
